Hey! please read this excerpt.

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Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by Pranav on Sat Apr 16, 2011 12:11 am

Hi. It is an excerpt from my novel. Please read it.

Listen," the man spoke out, his voice thundering through the silence in the dark room. "I...I am the only one that killed my wife and my son..." Their mouths didn't open, (waiting for a chance to open with a sudden horror.) "Be..because they were evil. When I married her, I didn't know that what she was, because she (looked me quite pretty). But, soon after some days, she began taking forms. When I asked her of it, she straightforwardly refused to have done anything like that. But, that was not all, soon after we shifted to Darkfalls, she started giving sacrifices of innocent people in the town. Then, we had our first child, a boy born with blood in his eyes, and his first word was,'From doom to the hell!', so I had to kill both of them.... for the welfare of the others, but bound by their black magic, they were still alive instead of dead, and gave this everlasting curse to me and the whole town."

How was it?

Well, 'the Goon' is just a small part, and it is not a bloody novel, please give me tips regarding this excerpt. THAANX.

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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by fleamailman on Sat Apr 16, 2011 3:10 am

the goblin showed, read the work and didn't go straight into correcting it, not as was expected of him now, no instead he simply said the following "...I'm on you side, where maybe it's because you don't write in third person normally that you are lacking when you do so, anyway not to worry in that with forumland there's none of the published cement, so you can redo it, as many times as you like until you feel that you have right to yourself...", in fact, the reader always adapted to the author they liked where after a while they didn't even notice how it was written, "...tell him to write more..." went the slot in the background, adding "...but remember goblin, not to advise him too much, lest you turn him into your clone now, and besides, how can you advise where you don't know what he is writing it for, can you..." and with that the goblin sought out another picture, oh yes, he never missed the chance to illustrate the post knowing that in order to learn how to write something it was often important to learn how to visualize the text in relation to the image it produced inside one



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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by Jats on Sat Apr 16, 2011 9:31 am

"...and where would all those editors be with nothing to edit if we were all so perfekt at it..." adds Jats sipping his morning tea wearing a wry smile "...for contained within may be the germ of an idea that could go global even, why imagine the daft idea of a bunch of kids waving sticks about, letting their imaginations and hormones run riot, someone will buy it I'm sure..." as Jats reaches further back now "...or the rise and fall of a wretched harlot that if had been contained within convention would never have seen light, yet with a subtle twist of presentation was spread to the masses, changing everything that was the norm then..." and the chameleon goes rummaging finding his picture from the words written now "...so salutations then Pranav, all I will offer is just keep writing then for one never knows what will come of it, as you begin this journey now..."


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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by davisac1 on Sat Apr 16, 2011 11:09 am

It's hard to judge a standalone paragraph that's meant to be part of a longer work. You should enter our flash contest this May. You'll get tons of feedback on a completed piece, and maybe you can transfer some of that advice to your novel.

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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by fleamailman on Sat Apr 16, 2011 5:08 pm

and with that the goblin spoke, saying "...rumor has it that there is a fierce dragon, that lives in northern parts of the rain swept island across the channel from known civilization, a dragon whose ability to write, and moreover correct excerpts like this, is second to none, for his, yes it it male now, books are like mandatory reading to any would be writer, but first you must appease and befriend him saying stuff like "oh yes, I love chip buttys" and "children in clogs working down the mines are cool", reminding him that you too are a member of the wwf, better known as the world writers fund now, and then, and only then, will dolly the dinosaur answer your call here, oh yes, let me guess, he had you fooled into thinking he was human even, well doesn't that just go to show just how talented he really is then...", and with that the goblin just tried to find those little somethings that would match the mood of this post again

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOWJECdobqk



Last edited by fleamailman on Sun Apr 17, 2011 9:51 am; edited 2 times in total

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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by steven pirie on Sun Apr 17, 2011 5:58 am

Haha... if only Dolly hadn't been eaten by a passing (northern) velociraptor...

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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by fleamailman on Sun Apr 17, 2011 9:50 am

Haha... if only Dolly hadn't been eaten by a passing (northern) velociraptor...

"...well Pranav that does rather dash one's hopes a bit, sorry..." mentioned the goblin, continuing "...um, I suppose that just leaves a toss up between our an american dwarf from lannister , or our resident dormouse if or when he wakes up, or one of the others then, not that I'm actually trying to dissuade you or anything, just that ST has never declined a challenge to show just challenging they are, in fact, I think they could all put a hands on their hearts and profess out loud just how challenged they really are, but that they mean well by it..."


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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by Jats on Sun Apr 17, 2011 10:30 am

whatever next hey, though I think between us Flea and I have seen it all by now, though you never know...

"...for I shouldn't be surprised for it is the internet after all, though what I do find odd is when men pretend to be women in forum land to prove what exactly? That men lust after women, like that's news, but to continue the façade for years? Now while I can understand if it is done as a ruse to get some unsuspecting wanker you know of out in the open to exact some revenge, for who am I to argue..." as Jats thinks back now and still insists that mobbing him in ski masks while he waited for his 'date', tying and gagging him, then all bundling him into a van to be driven back to campus where he was left chained to the flag pole naked was not harsh at all, considering what he had done, although it was -2, and a long time ago "...but to continue on and on must be an underlying gender identity problem surely, maybe some of them are even sitting there in women's clothes to help get into character, who knows, anyone can be anyone here..."


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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by steven pirie on Sun Apr 17, 2011 1:43 pm

fleamailman wrote:
Haha... if only Dolly hadn't been eaten by a passing (northern) velociraptor...

"...well Pranav that does rather dash one's hopes a bit, sorry..." mentioned the goblin, continuing "...um, I suppose that just leaves a toss up between our an american dwarf from lannister , or our resident dormouse if or when he wakes up, or one of the others then, not that I'm actually trying to dissuade you or anything, just that ST has never declined a challenge to show just challenging they are, in fact, I think they could all put a hands on their hearts and profess out loud just how challenged they really are, but that they mean well by it..."

Why do I get the feeling that Pranav is one of you guys feeding yourselves?

My advice to Pranav? Well, assuming this is an opening paragraph, you seem to be so desperate to get the story out there that you've missed the opportunity to slow down and really explore what's going on from the off. I suggest you read critically your favourite authors and study how they do it. And write like the wind, for like most things in life practice makes perfect...

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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by fleamailman on Sun Apr 17, 2011 2:58 pm

Why do I get the feeling that Pranav is one of you guys feeding yourselves?

"...ah now, you do understand that no identity can be proven here, simply internet voting falls flat for that very reason..." mentioned the goblin, who could be anyone else, just like anyone else here could be anyone else too, or even everyone else for that matter, adding "...but going dual is not my style, and besides my dyslexia betrays me somewhat, even if I imagine a writer would have to be able to put it off I suppose, if only because the parts in the plot are all duals of the author..."



Last edited by fleamailman on Sun Apr 17, 2011 5:05 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by Jats on Sun Apr 17, 2011 3:48 pm

"...and..." Jats adds "...what you still haven't understood is there is no need to be anyone else once you take up the challenge and just choose one, other than yourself in daily life still, no you are free from all that nonsense. Though once it has been worked out we are not one and the same, this is usually the next accusation from one of their several alternatives that are in existence, or a new one, that just pops up out of the blue, to assist...and you still wonder why we repost too? No, I do enough talking to myself in real life..." Jats shakes his head chuckling "...why I'm starting to wonder whether you are British you know..." as Jats gets back to fleecing some more young bluffing Americans then while the chameleon edits a few posts ready and waiting knowing already which pill has been chosen "... I'll leave you, Dolly et al to it then, as lets face it, one of your pals here could do a simple IP check I'm sure..."


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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by fleamailman on Mon Apr 18, 2011 8:18 am

("...thought I would follow JATS and do a repost too, in fact any excuse to edit stuff, and as I was posting it elsewhere now, thought that here too, it might inspire a reply of sorts..." mentioned the goblin)

repost from elsewhere, goblin still loving his ebook reader

hmmm...was it cheaper than a set of recycled pencil and paperpad ? but wait... what do you look like when using it in public ... it's uber-cool factor ?

the goblin thanked the poster for her comment suggesting pen and paper in place of using a textile ebook reader for notes here, but he felt he had to decline explaining why it was just so important for one to keep up appearances here carrying ones textile ebook reader on one at all times, explaining “...you see, apart from the mere fact that one might suddenly want to take notes, or listen to ripped mp3s, there is the dictionary, and those 350 odd books too...” continuing “...where too, imagine if one fell down a hole in the road, one could read at leisure until rescued then, and what if some sudden craving for literature and intellectual aspirations arose within one, you'd have shakespeare plays, lord byron's poems, next to the goblin's very own posts too, gone would be that urge to shoot people in walmats, for now one could take the moral highground here, like giving money to WWF for those animals that you never see, one could save writers from extinction, by uploading books that one hasn't time to actually read, enough to bring a smile to anyones face I imagine..."


126


Last edited by fleamailman on Mon Apr 18, 2011 12:30 pm; edited 2 times in total

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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by Pranav on Mon Apr 18, 2011 10:48 am

Ok, OK I got it.
Thanx.

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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by fleamailman on Mon Apr 18, 2011 12:23 pm

"...sorry Pranav, you asked and I was, in my way, honest with you, simply if I correct you, then you turn into me, where no, this has to be you here, and where instead you can post with me a bit, on my thread or elsewhere, not to learn anything from me, more just to learn about yourself in your style..." mentioned the goblin, repeating "...so you think that you can write in third person straight off, well perhaps, but more likely, it needs practice, also think about your readers here, and how quickly the market share of books, both physical and electrical that is, has shrunk even in the last two years alone, do you see where this is going then, yes to social networks now, and yes, people still want to read, I mean look at this thread alone, in the space of a two days it gets 146 hits to it, and this forum is a very quiet one too, imagine that this had been posted to one of those big forums that I actually hate, where each post you did would get at least a hundred hits, yes, a real circus perhaps...", and with that the goblin wished well, and hoped Pranav would post again


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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by Bosey on Tue Apr 19, 2011 9:48 am

"...but Jats you are everywhere, I see, like sperm and it's spread, because I just read every post in this forum, and the decomposing corpses I encountered said, as only mouldering lungs can, that you are in fact every member in this forum under different names, and more than that, every member in every forum ever created, a more than astonishing feat, for sure, a truly Godlike feat, an impossible yet undeniably visible miracle," Bosey puts out there, feeling invisible suddenly, then sort of translucent and tingly, then fully manifest and knowing that he is also Jats as a result, like all the others out there in the handbag of orgiastic atoms that is God's creation, the universe.


Last edited by Bosey on Thu Jun 02, 2011 9:22 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by fleamailman on Tue Apr 19, 2011 2:58 pm

(the goblin hands this one over to JATS then, seeing that bosey is addressing him)

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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by Jats on Tue Apr 19, 2011 7:33 pm

tag "...and I read it, feasted on it letting it pull me along. Perfect length, a picture is always my preference, but it stands by itself. So here you are doing it. Perhaps then, some times it just needs some one to come along and give ya a kick up the ass, now and again..." Jats smiles as always "...still your choice of course, but the case rests..." and Jats heads to the bar and gets the drinks in then


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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by fleamailman on Wed Apr 20, 2011 12:43 am

the goblin sniped at bit of what bosey had wrote:"...but Jats you are everywhere, that you are in fact every member in this forum under different names, and more than that, every member in every forum ever created, a more than astonishing feat, for sure, a truly Godlike feat, an impossible yet undeniably visible miracle," Bosey puts out there, feeling invisible suddenly, then sort of translucent and tingly, then fully manifest and knowing that he is also Jats as a result, like all the others out there in the handbag of orgiastic atoms that is God's creation, the universe

whereupon the goblin too, stuck to his guns a bit and repeated the line that there is no identity on the internet bar one's own, saying "...you see, I used to wait for the number 9 bus to take me to work, where other buses would turn up and leave, and after a while I simply realized that it was all a conspiracy now, that is, that the london bus service was testing me once more, tricking me into thinking that they were all different buses, but where in fact each bus was actually the same bus only that had turned around changing it's route number the moment it was out of sight again, and although by logic one felt it couldn't be true, still one didn't have any proof, and by that same lack of proof any poster here becomes that other bus again, simply there is oneself here surrounded by phantoms, that's all..."


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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by fleamailman on Wed Apr 20, 2011 3:46 am

repost from elsewhere, someone who asked

how do I become a writer

and with that the goblin just laughed, saying "...for surely a writer just writes and that's an end to it, and although ones learns from others lots of tricks and traits, one should never compromise oneself for the sake of some possible readership, "lose that and you lose all" as they say....", where the goblin just continued, adding "...look, the publishing world often rigs things that one becomes a "front page best seller" one year, only to be forgotten the next, so forumland, by comparison, is just a level playing field is it not, but the real great thing about here is that your readers are "on line" with you, direct feedback then, where one can probe ones critics if they are hostile and thank them where they are helpful...", in fact, the goblin seriously believed in forumland's future now, that is, it's growing readership, and the flourishing of livewriting per say, saying "...so perhaps the real battle for readership is here now, as you yourself are probably reading this post at this point somehow knowing that you don't have enough time to read a whole book today, and yet you still want some quick read, one that you could reflect upon, and then reply to, leading to the other factor that books have no rapport to speak of..."


60

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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

Post by fleamailman on Thu Apr 21, 2011 10:59 am

...ah, but we are just personas here anyway, where to post is to publish now, yet without any of that circus publishing fanfair perhaps, simply one posts away and that's an end to it, that's all..." replied the goblin knowing too, that his posting on forumland had none of those hoops and hurdles either, so no, he could post directly "as and where" he liked, while someone else could just read it and reply if they so wished to, at which point the goblin tried to bridge it to himself by saying "...if I'm any good at all, then I'll make good with a fruitcake or two from it, whereas no amount of stuff from elsewhere will substitute, in my lone opinion perhaps, for what someone actually reads of me directly..."


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Re: Hey! please read this excerpt.

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